Analysis: Moving = 10th Circle of Hell (warning: explicit language)

Yesterday, I helped a friend move.

I did so despite the fact that, in 2005, I promised myself I would never again participate in such an activity.

Outside of torture, childbirth, shingles and trigeminal neuralgia (a chronic pain condition that affects the trigeminal nerve, which carries sensation from your face to your brain and causes excruciating, spontaneous facial pain) – moving is, objectively speaking, one of the worst human experiences.

They say that ‘helping others’ is the quickest way to make yourself feel better. That’s very true.

Except for moving.

Moving is actually the quickest way to kill human souls. Yours and everyone’s involved. That’s a fact.

I’ve moved 17 times since turning 18 – which is admittedly absurd.

Various factors motivate moves: college attendance, romantic considerations, jealousy, materialism, marriage, divorce, drunkenness, financial concerns, etc. Almost anything can necessitate or motivate a move. But none of them change the fact that moving constitutes the 10th circle of hell.

Here at, we care. Therefore, we are now providing an exclusive list of 8 guidelines for moving that will save you and the rest of humanity a lot of misery going forward.

1. Hire someone to move your stuff. Unless your budget absolutely won’t support it, you need to go ahead and pay some professionals to move your ridiculous amount of useless shit.

Nobody wants to even attempt moving this giant piece of shit.
Nobody wants to even attempt moving this giant piece of shit.

You know that antique mahogany French buffet with the marble top that your great grandmother bought during the Calvin Coolidge administration? It’s fucking heavy. You need to go ahead and pay a few strong people to move it – preferably some folks with actual moving equipment and stuff like that.

Yes, I realize your buddy Eddie has a truck. That’s nice. He also has arthritic knees and early onset scoliosis. If you convince him to help you move, you’ll be decreasing his quality of life by 70% until he recovers – in 2019. Or never. Can you live with that?

2. If this absolutely has to be an amateur job – ask lots of people. There’s an old saying, “Many hands make light work.” It’s very, very true. You literally can not have enough people helping you move. No amount of people is too many.  150 people? Fine, that works. Ask your parents, your neighbors, your co-workers, friends, children, cousins, strangers in line at the post office. Ask literally every person you know. Ask people you hate. Ask LITERALLY every person you come into contact with for a full two weeks prior to the move. Ask the closest surviving relatives of people you once murdered. DIsregard your conscience in this regard. For everyone’s sake.

Ideally, if you get enough people, no one person will be relied on to move more than a single box or two. This is the way to go. Do it. I’m serious.

Do it.

3. Pack your shit up, please. I’ve agreed to help people move, shown up at their place, and upon arriving realized that they still haven’t fully packed. This kind of bullshit is absolutely unacceptable. No, you don’t need help putting your sweaters in a box – you’re just lazy. I’m not going to wrap your coffee mugs in newspapers – I’m going to throw them at your head.

If you haven’t the courtesy to pre-pack your stuff – your friends have every right to just go ahead and leave. Whether or not they spit in your face on the way out is entirely up to them. Doing so would be completely understandable.

4. Always live on the first floor (or hire movers). If you are moving to or from a 2nd floor apartment, condo, or town home – sorry. You have to hire movers. Nobody wants to carry your filthy cat tower or collection of 1970’s National Geographic Magazines to Apartment 208. To hell with apartment 208 – and every ridiculous step that leads to it.

5. Settle down, quit moving so much. Given what I’ve already disclosed here, I realize my credibility on this subject is lacking. That being said, you have one adult (18+) opportunity per lifetime, per friend, to request help moving. After that, it is over.

It’s not my problem that your landlord has refused to handle the venomous Hobo spider infestation in your apartment. That’s actually your problem. And though I’m happy that you found a great duplex for real cheap, I don’t really care. I helped you move into your current place – remember? It’s freaking over between me and your moves. Over.

Give your fucking books away please.

6. Books. Don’t move a lot of books. Just don’t. Please don’t ever do this.

Here’s the thing to do about books. Read them and then GIVE THEM TO SOMEONE ELSE. Unless you’re going to read a book again (you aren’t) you really need to give it away before you move.

Do…..not…..ask…..anyone……..move…..a…..bunch…..of…..boxes…..of…..books. Please don’t do this. It’s ridiculous. I’m begging.

You don’t need your law school, or medical school, or nursing school, or business school books. You know you don’t. It’s obvious that you just want to impress people.

We know you can read.

You don’t need two bookshelves full of self help books. We realize that you have excellent boundaries and interpersonal tools to utilize in your next relationship.

You don’t need the entire “for Dummies” collection. You just really don’t.

By the way, we can tell you haven’t read any of these books.

 7. Throw some stuff away. Now that you’re moving, it’s probably time to go ahead and throw away some of those old receipts and other “important papers.” I’m guessing you’re probably not going to be returning the extension cord and Hawaiian shirt you bought at K-Mart four Christmases ago. That’s just a hunch.

Actually come to think of it, please admit that you’re never going to wear that shirt again. It’s heinous and you know it.

You may want to part with that barcalounger too – while you’re at it. It looks like it was upholstered with used, dirty carpet from a Chinese restaurant. Also, it’s covered in cat hair.

Treat yourself to a new chair. And have it delivered please.

8. Keep the time commitment reasonable. Look, I realize you have a long day ahead of you – situating your cats in their new environment and laying contact paper in kitchen drawers is going to take some time. But please don’t use that as a rationale for asking me to show up at 7 a.m. If I wanted to be working at the crack of dawn, I’d enlist.

I’ll be at your place after I sleep in, get a few things done at home, and drink a cup of coffee in the comfort of somewhere-that-is-not-your-place-moving-heavy-shit.

And I’ll only be helping for a few hours and then I have to go.


These rules – if adhered to – should help all of us.

**Luckily for me, the person moving today followed all of these rules. There were a lot of people there, it was a 1st floor to 1st floor move, everything was organized and packed, not a a lot of books, and it was the only time I had ever helped this person. The person even had moving equipment and trailers and shit. It was a perfect move. Bravo.